Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Funny because it is true

Some may have already seen this e-mail, but I'll share for those who haven't.
From my experience, best fans — Tennessee. Cordial, pleasant, travel very well, the only downside is Rocky Top. Worst fans — Arkansas. Arrogant, classless, almost no redeeming qualities. Ole Miss fans come a close a second. Two teams and schools that have done almost nothing noteworthy in football since the 60s.


In General
The following may be applied to the fans of every SEC school with the exception of Vanderbilt:
• Classless
• Rednecks
• Drunk and Obnoxious
• Foul mouthed
• Destructive
• Uneducated
• Delusional Homers
The use of any of the above will result in arguments of the "pot calling the kettle black" variety. It is then incumbant upon both smacktalking posters to provide sufficient anecdotal evidence to prove his/her position.
The following are the more effective school specific acceptable stereotypes.

Tennessee-Moonshine making, stupid hillbillies.
They really ask for this one. Their fight song is about living in the hills and making 'shine. I'm guessing it is the only fight song in the nation to make a reference to a revenuer. Their mascot is an old hound dog.
Also, delusional Homers-although this one can apply to pretty much the entire SEC, Tennessee earns a special mention. Listening to UT fans talk is like the old SNL "Da Bears" skit. "Well, we have a losing record this year and we're playing a team that hasn't lost in five years. It's gonna be a tough one. I think we'll only win by 17."

Vanderbilt-Wine swilling, cheese tasting people that are used to losing (sort of like the French).

Vanderbilt is definitely an SEC exception as the general stereotypes do not apply. However, the opposites do. While it is unacceptable to call Vandy fans uneducated, it is acceptable to call them nerds. I have a special fondness for Vandy fans due to their friendliness to opponents. After the UGA game last year conversations were like, "Thanks for coming out to our school." "How did you like our campus?" "Sorry we scored those points against you" Basically, they take to a conquering force much like the French welcomed the Axis with open arms.

Florida - Sort of like Tennessee fans if you take them off the mountain and put them in a more urban setting.

They keep the mullets, but now dress for hot weather with their jean shorts and mesh Gator jerseys. They move out of the shack in the woods to an overly crowded trailer park on the edge of town. Think about domestic disturbances that you have seen on COPS as a general guideline when mocking Florida fans.

South Carolina - Eternal optimists, Good 'ol boys.

South Carolina has had little success on the field, but the new coach is always their savior. They always showed improvement and "By Gawd! Just wait till next year." Their fan base has proven their loyalty (or their stupidity) by never losing faith in this perenially bad to mediocre team. They feel about South Carolina football the way I do about my golf game. It's bad enough to piss me off with just enough promise to make want to keep playing.

Georgia - Two classes of Stereotypes:

1. Red polyester pants wearing old guys that eat fried chicken before every game and listen to Munson's Herschel calls over and over again. Living in the past (see Alabama below). These guys think Dooley is the greatest football coach that ever lived. They tend to forget that he only managed ONE national championship in like 35 years of coaching and got the team in a lot of hot water with the NCAA. They still hate Jan Kemp.

2. Overly arrogant modern fans. View Georgia as a national championship contender every year (although haven't actually played for one in 25 years). Simply cannot understand how anybody could dislike Georgia. Think that every official's call against Georgia is a bad one, every call against the opponent is golden. If the preseason rankings have Georgia rated lower that top three, then they are getting "disrespected." If Georgia takes a crap, it should be shoveled up and put in a museum.

Kentucky - Basketball fans

On gameday Saturdays, Kentucky fans wake up and see a large crowd heading to a big building. They figure it must be some kind of preseason basketball game, so they join the crowd. After taking their seats are confused by the shape of the ball and all of the fouls that are not being called.

LSU - Insane cajuns

Can't understand what they say because they are very drunk and speak some kind of English hybrid language. Typically overweight and smell like corndogs. If you say something positive about their opponent, you may be killed by them.

Alabama - Living in the very distant past.

We all know about their worship of the Bear and their 176 National Championships. Something about being an Alabama fan makes one become an elderly person. That is the only way to explain 20 something year olds fondly reminiscing about the glory days that occurred about 30 years ago.

Auburn - Big complex about getting no respect and a weird fondness for a coach that pretty much ruined their program.

Auburn has had two undefeated seasons in the last 15 years and no national championships. The first occurred under probation (so no national title). The second occurred when they were the odd third undefeated team left out. Despite their recent dominance over Alabama, they will always be "that other school in Alabama" to the rest of the country. They know this and hate it. They worship former coach Pat Dye although his cheating is basically what cost them the National Championship since it resulted in the probation. They hate Terry Bowden although it was his coaching that got them close in spite of Pat Dye.

Arkansas - "We're in the SEC too. Really, we are."

They just don't fit in for some reason. They joined us late. They are west of the Mississippi River. They haven't really excelled. Their home town isn't really worth travelling to. No matter how good they are they will be picked to finish near the bottom in SEC West. All this places a big chip on the fan's shoulders. They seem to hate every other SEC school and are always pissed off at the "media". I've heard Arkansas fans bitch about East Coast bias. What they don't realize is that the reputation of their team comes largely from them not being very good.

Mississippi - Old Rednecks

While the uneducated redneck label can be applied to most any SEC school's fans, it is especially apt for the Mississippi schools. Ole Miss rednecks are of the more genteel, mint julep sipping type. They wave the rebel flag and give the rebel yell, but they are also about debutantes coming out and sitting in the shade under an old magnolia. Mississippi as whole has the worst educational system in the country and really doesn't seem to care very much. For this reason, they can never trump the "stupid" state arguments. The fans also have a little bit of South Carolina-like expectations. After their run of success with Eli Manning, they got greedy. They have trouble accepting that they will never be very good.

Mississippi State - Rednecks. Drop the genteel southern charm and add a huge dose of white trash.

Their town has NOTHING in it. They ring freaking COW BELLS during games. Jackie Sherrill left the entire school and fan base with a long lasting legacy of being cheating, conniving losers. He was kind of like a corrupt southern sheriff running a small town, very Boss Hogg-like.

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