The 15 Worst Mascots In America: A Highly Scientific Ranking

While the list of The 15 Best Mascots In America received a great deal of attention (Thanks Deadspin), I'm very curious to see how the list of The 15 Worst Mascots will be received.

Without further adieu...

1.) George Washington’s George: A school located in the world’s most powerful city with an endowment of $1.019 billion can do better than this. This puppy dog eyed representation of America’s founding father is an utter disgrace. If George were alive today, he would strip the school of his good name and then roll down to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and clean-house. To make matters worse, I’ve been to a few games at the Smith Center in D.C. and have found that George has ZERO entertainment value. He just struts around like an moron with a fake hatchet, looking like a big, ugly monstrosity.


2.) Florida A&M’s Rattler: First of all, this thing looks nothing like a snake. Secondly, it is a female – a cardinal sin in the world of mascots – if this is sexist, so be it. Thirdly, it is dressed like a cheerleader, automatically making the Rattler the lamest mascot in all the land. I wouldn’t mind seeing FAMU’s huge, bad ass marching band stomp this thing into oblivion. If the school was smart, this disgrace would immediately be trashed and replaced by Samuel L. Jackson’s character from Snakes On A Plane. Imagine SLJ roaming the opponents sidelines with a sawed-off shotgun and yelling at every member of the team, “If you catch that mutha f’n ball I’m gonna stick this sawed-off down your f’n throat and stab you with your own cleets!”

3.) Harvard’s John Harvard: My. Dear. God. What in the hell is going on in Cambridge? Honestly. This ghastly-looking freak show is how they have chosen to represent the clergyman who donated half of his land and a library to the college at the time of its creation. On top of that, the on-campus statue of John Harvard reads John Harvard, Founder, 1638... not even close. Harvard was actually just a contributor; the institution was founded in 1636; and the statue is, in fact, a likeness of some random student because the original sculptor didn’t have a picture of Harvard. So basically, Harvard has become the beacon for higher education in America by shatting all over the good name of John Harvard. And now their teams are represented by a drunkard-looking psycho in a pilgrim’s hat.

4.) Nebraska's Lil Red: This ranking is actually shared by every enormous inflatable mascot in America. Many schools in the country have chosen to allow these insufferable things to bounce around their arenas and stadiums, annoying the ever-living-hell out of everyone in attendance. These things suck, and if you like them, you suck too. The reason I chose to select Big Red is because it was the first one I ever saw (’95 NIT at the Garden) and because I want Herbie the Husker – Nebraska’s true, blue collar mascot – to beat Big Red’s inflatable ass. The worst thing about these types of mascots is the likelihood that this brainless conversation will undoubtedly take place: Idiot 1: Do you think there is a person in there? Idiot 2: No way man, it’s remote controlled. Idiot 1: I dunno, I think there has to be a person in there. Idiot 2: Yeah, maybe you’re right. At this point, I slam my head into the guard rail in front of me because I’d rather be unconscious than continue to listen. (Side note: Shockingly, George Washington also sports a giant inflatable mascot named Big George – which is why the Colonials were the clear-cut pick for No. 1)

5.) The Stanford Tree: Oh man, those crazy hipsters at Stanford are going to be heartbroken about this one. While many are under the impression that The Tree has become more endearing over the years, they are, in fact, dead wrong. The only thing that could conceivably be more annoying than The Tree, would be if Bill Walton became the host of The View and I was forced to watch it for 24 straight hours. Why is this country tearing down so many trees that are actually beneficial to our health and allowing this wide-smiled pain in the ass to continue running around like an idiot?

6.) The Oregon Duck: Oddly enough, someone posted a comment on The 15 Best Mascots page saying that the Oregon Duck shouldn’t have been omitted. Wulp, here he is. And why? Because he basically looks like a reject from Duck Tales dressed in a green and yellow sailor suit – a 5-year-old with a sparkler is more dangerous and intimidating than the Oregon Duck.

Addendum: Some folks have pointed out that the Ducks’ looks can be deceiving, due to the fact that he beat the ever-living hell out of the Houston Cougars. While this is a valid point and does help the Ducks’ cause, I view beating up the Houston Cougar as the equivalent of beating up the freshman kicker on the high school football team.
So kudos to the Duck, but I’m not taking him the list…the costume is killin’ me.


7. Syracuse’s Otto: This one might get some heated responses and I don’t care. Otto is a big, fat orange with little Tyrannosaurus Rex arms who wears warm up pants and a baseball cap. Forgive me, but I don’t see the appeal. To make matters worse, he’s constantly sticking his tongue out, probably saying, “I would punch you if my arms were long enough, but instead I’ll stick my tongue out as if I’m your annoying little sister.” The only people who like Otto are Syracuse grads and ESPN, that’s it. I recall reading in “Mahatma Gandhi: A Biography” that Gandhi’s dying words were, “Otto sucks.”

8. The Connecticut Husky: Wow, UConn really went all-out with this one. At least Penn State’s Nittany Lion has a freakin’ scarf. Not only is the Husky bare-ass naked, but he’s also whiter than Strohm Thurman and Trent Lott combined. The creativity is really flowing up at UConn. They even gave their real, live Husky mascot a super cool name like Jonathan…he is presumably named after the ultra-dork son from Who’s The Boss.

9.) Iowa’s Herkey: Umm, what the hell is with the unibrow? While the football version of Herkey has relatively normal eyebrows, the basketball version has no brow separation whatsoever. While I dig the scowl, I just really have trouble getting past the brow…the poor guy is almost as bad as Bert from Bert & Ernie.

Trim that up, Herkey.

10.) Coastal Carolina’s Chauncey: Yes, Chancey is clearly a ladies man in his snug muscle-tee. But, and I’m no scientist, I’m pretty sure that birds, in this case a Chanticleer (a rooster), have wings with feathers…not burly arms. By the way, regardless of what Chauncey actually looks like, any school that decides its mascot should be named after a rooster in the tale of Reynard the Fox, deserves to by on this list.


11.) Akron’s Zippy: This one was hard. Zippy the kangaroo is quite lovable, but…he’s a terrible mascot. No intimidation. No sex appeal (minus the lack of pants). He’s out of shape. His nose is the size of a city block. And, he’s egotistical – your not No. 1 Zippy, get rid of the foam finger and face reality. You’re nothing more than a low rent marsupial with a weight problem.

12.) The Rutgers Scarlet Knight: With a name like The Scarlet Knights, one would envision a sweet ass mascot donned in armor with a huge sword, strutting around the court or field with chivalrous swagger, kind of like this Rutgers mascot. So what exactly is the point of having this piece of crap. I don’t remember hearing about any gallant medieval knights walking around with a dumb ass smile and an obnoxiously large feather on top of his head..........Oh, it’s for the kids? F that.

13.) Pepperdine Willie the Wave: I’m not even sure what to say about this thing. OK Pepperdine, we get it. You’re located on the cliffs of Malibu and that is sooo cool. We’re happy for you, now get over yourselves. Is it really necessary to have a Hawaiian shirt-clad blue wave with sunglasses, flip flops and a bathing suit as your mascot? The answer is no, it is not necessary at all.

You're trying too hard.

14.) The Colgate Red Raider: Alright, either UMass ripped off Colgate with Sam The Minuteman or Colgate ripped of UMass. The two mascots bear a striking resemblance to eachother, but Colgate gets the nod on this list because their version is ass ugly. Where to begin? Not even the most Irish of Irishmen could have hair that red. And apparently, the Red Raider is suffering from a terrible disease that has turned his skin to a ghostly shade of gray…my guess is Gonorrhea. Also, his eyes are redder than those of a hippie on his tenth bong hit.

All in all, the Red Raider is just God awful.

15.) Cleveland State’s Vike: I was unsure whether to list Vike as No. 15 on the Best List or the Worst List. I kind of like him and I kind of hate him. I’m a big fan of the shit-eating grin and tiny Viking helmet he’s sporting but, what exactly is he supposed to be? Why is he a green turtle-looking thing? Orange gloves? This is quite a dilemma and I will probably toil with this one for a long time…because I have nothing better to do.