ClayNation: It's time to draw some lines on campus apparel

I've spent a lot of time contemplating my purchase of Michigan apparel since that fateful trip to Steve & Barry's.

Judging by the e-mails I received, the reader responses broke down into four primary categories:

1. I hope you die. (At this point I don't even flinch at these e-mails. I could write a column about loving puppies and flowers and some people would want me to die. I accept this.)

2. Good for you. (These tended to be women and Michigan fans. Logically this tells us that all Michigan fans have no penises.)

3. You made me cry ... and now I want you to die. (These tended to be Tennessee fans who were channeling country and western themes.)

4. Specific questions from fans who were uncertain about their own buying decisions.

The latter were by far the most prevalent. Ergo logic dictates that the sports world is in need of some direction regarding when it is appropriate and is not appropriate to buy team apparel of a team you don't root for. Thanks to my world-renowned journalistic credibility, I threw my heart and soul into this investigation.

First a stipulation: Only colleges were considered for purposes of this analysis. Pro sports loyalty is more complicated, particularly in the South, since many college football fans continue to root for college stars from their favored teams (before the Colts played the Titans each year I bought a Peyton Manning Colts jersey) and pro sports by their very nature are rife with disloyalty (at any moment your favorite player can bolt town leaving you with the existential team vs. individual rooting dilemma). This doesn't even consider the worst deal of all, teams changing towns. For better or worse, the University of Alabama is not pulling up stakes and relocating to Oklahoma City. Plus, let's be honest, compared to college sports fans, pro sports fans are all lame.

After much thought on this issue I can tell you that making the call on college apparel is a tough job. One that Justice William Andrews from Palsgraf v. Long Island Railroad would appreciate. In that famous case Andrews wrote in dissent: "We draw an uncertain and wavering line, but draw it we must as best we can." So too with the rules of collegiate apparel. With a nod to Justice Andrews, we're off.

I've broken these analyses into three categories for the wearing of apparel rules: the permissible, the impermissible and the gray area where ClayNation draws the line. Each category has five examples to provide direction. We here at ClayNation, like the American courts, subscribe to the common law system so these are designed to be apparel precedents to help guide your purchasing decisions in the future. Should future issues arise that aren't covered here (as I'm sure they will), we can revise and expand these rulings in All That and a Bag of Mail.


Impermissible purchase:

Because you like a team's colors. Flagrantly disallowed for anyone with descended testes. There are no exceptions.

If the team whose apparel you are purchasing plays your own favored team every year or is in the same conference and you have no other affiliation. You just can't do it. Period.

Your college boyfriend or girlfriend goes there. (I'll make a limited exception if he/she gives it to you as a gift and not wearing this gift is likely to restrict your sexual activity.)

You go to the game of a conference rival with a friend who attends this school and he wants you to buy gear in the bookstore. If this happens you need new friends.

So you can have a souvenir of your trip to a college town, campus or game. First of all, if you're over the age of 10 there is no reason why you need souvenirs of places you visit. Seriously, do you have pigtails and wear shoes that roll? Souvenirs, please, the concept makes me sick. If you insist on a souvenir, drink beer. If you're legally old enough, look old enough to get away with it, or have an ID that says you are old enough the beer will result in you having better memories or "adult souvenirs" than you otherwise would. Trust me, despite sordid allegations to the contrary, beer will help your memory better than a crappy T-shirt of a team you hate.

Permissible purchase:

A nuclear family member or close personal friend (defined herein as someone that you would indisputably invite to your wedding if you got married tomorrow or someone who would know your last name and be able to tell a personal story involving you of a humorous nature) actually plays for any team you would otherwise be rooting against. Vaguely knowing someone (like attending a large high school at the same time) or your sister having offered herself up as a random pelt on the wall doesn't count. The wearer may be called on to justify said wearing at any moment.

You attend the school. Even if the school you attend is rivals with your own favored school. No one is saying you have to root against your own team (in fact you shouldn't) but similarly no one likes the guy who constantly badmouths the school he attends. No one made you go there. If you aren't even willing to wear a school T-shirt (that's probably free) it's a clear sign you should transfer.

Your child or grandchild attends the school and the school is not the blood rival of your preferred team. Look, if you're already paying tuition for the school, a few items of apparel are hardly going to sway the score. You don't want to be the jerk who refuses to wear the sweatshirt that your daughter gave you. All bets are off however, if your child attends your blood rival. If you raised them well, they'll understand your refusal.

You hope to attend the school and are on campus visiting. This only applies for outside conference schools.

The article of clothing you are buying specifies a graduate school degree you are pursuing but does not endorse the college in general or a sport in particular. For instance, if you are getting an MBA, JD, MD, MA, MFA, PhD or sundry other graduate degree from a conference rival and the clothing identifies that graduate program you can feel comfortable wearing this apparel.

Wavering line/gray area flirting with karmic disaster (like Justice Andrews, I try and make a call)

Your wife or parents went to the school and the teams rarely, if ever, play. I've made my call here. Permitted. Although with this caveat: You have to be willing to burn all apparel in a bonfire should the teams end up playing in a game that really matters (NCAA Tournament or BCS). Lacking a bonfire (for instance if you live in a city) you must urinate on the apparel and throw them in the trash.

It's free and is from another school outside your conference. This is particularly tough because as a general rule no man should ever refuse free clothes. The determining question here is: how did the apparel come into your presence? Could it be a clever ploy by an opposing fan to tip the karmic scales and curse your own team? Detective work is required here. If you can't find a hint of deceit involved, you can comfortably wear it.

Your school never loses to the school but they are the academic heavyweight in the same conference. Wow, this one is really tough. Examples would be, Vandy in the SEC, Northwestern in the Big Ten, and maybe Stanford in the Pac-10. Essentially you are attempting to skate here on the fact that these schools aren't really athletic rivals ... impermissible.

Your stepson or stepdaughter or step-grandchild goes to the school but you don't pay the tuition. Another tough one. If they give the apparel to you as a gift, you may wear it. Otherwise, you may not. Again, blood rivals excepted.

You made a bet to agree to wear opposing team apparel and then your team lost. These bets make no sense because your team has already lost. When William Tecumseh Sherman burned Atlanta, did it make the burning feel worse if you had to wear a Union soldier's jacket? The answer is no. Having said that, permissible; if you make the bet you have to make it square.