Season Finale Haiku

Since Auburn won the National Champoinship, it will be the season finale of haiku:

Auburn fans gloating
Won't be happening next year
Only won by luck

I ain't calling Wally a liar ...

Reading Wally Hall is occasionally like dabbling in FanFic, that weird subset of writing on the Internet about people's favorite TV shows, just reimagined.

Generally speaking FanFic pieces have Kirk and Spock as boyfriends, or David Duchovny in real life or his "character" from Californication but set in X-Files land.

In a column from Jan. 7, Hall seems set on doing a little FanFic dabbling when he wrote of a chance encounter in New Orleans with a female Alabama fan, who was rooting for Arkansas to win the Sugar Bowl that night.

The start was a sweet moment, one almost impossible to verify, much like Clay Travis's twitter feed that said after the fight on Bourbon Street between an Arkansas fan and an Ohio State fan, a brawl the Arkansas fan won, people who had been watching, began chanting "SEC, SEC."

So is it entirely possible that sitting on a trolley, Hall met someone cheering for Arkansas?

Yes, absolutely.

Then Hall makes a turn into FanFic when he wrote that the same woman, that same Alabama fan, is a United States Attorney and federal prosecutor with working knowledge of a government investigation into the Auburn football program and a pay for play scheme generated by Cam Newton's father?

Umm, no.

For the last six months I've worked as a reporter covering a federal investigation. A very real and multiple state an operation that resulted in lots of plea bargains and convictions in federal court with more trials coming.

An assistant U.S. Attorney isn't authorized to speak to the press without the U.S. Attorney for that district present. And, as a matter of fact, an Assistant U.S. Attorney is much more like to turn and walk the other way when they see a reporter. Trust me, I've seen it happen. Oh Laura Hoey, all I wanted was to talk about Notre Dame football.

But not just that, telling a random stranger, who seems to have identified himself as a member of the press, that she works as a federal prosecutor and is working on an Auburn investigation. It just defies factual description.

FanFic.

pre bowl haiku

Its been a few weeks since I've done a haiku, with the hogs playing in the Sugar Bowl, I had to come up with a new one:
Big ten is winless
Go Hogs beat Ohio St.
Big ten, not all that.

Auburn crowned as winner of Slabby, the CFPA's national championship award

Auburn Tigers named team of the year,
Georgia gets season's skunk award


NEWS RELEASE FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

For more information, contact Robert Shields
at fromthebench@yahoo.com.

CFPA Championship Committee Votes
Auburn as the 2010 National Champion

POOLSVILLE, USA (December 16, 2010) –– The College Football Prognosticators Association (CFPA) awards its national championship, the Slabby Trophy, prior to the beginning of bowl season in the tradition of how the Associated Press used to do it back in the day before the creation of the BCS.

The CFPA’s expert panel, which unlike most of these voting bodies out there that produce polls throughout the season has been diligently studying and watching college football all year, has concluded voting for the 2010 national champion with the following results.

1) Auburn
2) Oregon
3) Arkansas
4) TCU
5) Oklahoma, Wisconsin, Stanford (tie)

Congratulations to the Auburn University Tigers for being voted as the best college football team in 2010 prior to playing out the nonsense mandated by the BCS computers and Harris Poll voters who have no idea what they are doing.

The championship committee, called the College Football Prognosticators Association, is comprised of 152 college football experts from across the country with a range of backgrounds that is a "who's who" of reporters, bankers, doctors, lawyers, ad wizards, lawn guys, bond guys, car guys, pilots, priests, principals, builders, teachers, bums, and nomads.

The mission of the CFPA recognizes that the Bowl Championship Series has become meaningless, detrimental, and exclusionary to college football. The outcome of such bowl games does not deliver a true national champion based on the merits of the season. The CFPA's national championship is the only award in college football that recognizes a true champion based on the team’s efforts during the regular season.

The CFPA national championship trophy, affectionately referred to as "Slabby," is a stone tablet weighing more than 75 pounds. It is proclaimed as the heaviest and most indestructible award in college football, and as a bonus is also all-weather. Each year, the elected national champion's name is added to the trophy and sent to the university's athletic department. After agreeing to accept shipping, the athletic director must then carry the tablet 10 feet in the Slabby Strength Challenge in order to keep the trophy the remainder of the year.

The CFPA has been in existence since 2002 and started awarding Slabby in 2004. Past winners of Slabby have been USC and Auburn (tie vote) in 2004, USC in 2005, Ohio State in 2006, LSU in 2007, Florida in 2008, and Alabama in 2009.

Learn more about an alternative to the current BCS system that includes conference realignment and playoffs at Project Playoffs.


Auburn also wins college football team of the year

As students of the game throughout the season, the CFPA also names a team of the year that is not necessarily the best team but played a difficult schedule and won the majority of those games.

Using a patented scientific formula the CFPA has sworn to secrecy to prevent its exploitation by the BCS and Powers That Be in college football, plus the input of 152 keen viewing eyes, Auburn University also came out as this year's winner for beating one of the toughest schedules in the country while dealing with one of the biggest off-the-field dramas in college football in recent years.


Georgia named college football's skunk of year

Using the same methodology, the CFPA also names the football program that was the most disappointing of the season. For 2010, that team is the Georgia Bulldogs, which failed in every big game and is being rewarded with a trip to the AutoZone Liberty Bowl in Memphis for squeaking out six wins against three other six-win also-rans and three annually bad football programs.

40 FTW: The bowl games

Forty Games for the Win!

Division I FCS Semifinal
Villanova - Eastern Washington
7 p.m., Dec. 17, ESPN2
Sagarin says: Villanova by 3

Division II Championship Game
Delta State - Minnesota Duluth
10 a.m., Dec. 18, ESPN2
No line

Division I FCS Semifinal
Georgia Southern - Delaware
11 a.m., Dec. 18, ESPNU
Sagarin says: Delaware by 7
* Underdog worth three points

New Mexico Bowl
BYU - UTEP
1 p.m., Dec. 18, ESPN
Line: BYU by 11
* Underdog worth four points

Amos Alonzo Stagg Bowl
Mount Union - Wisconsin Whitewater
2:30 p.m., Dec. 18, ESPNU
No line

uDrove Humanitarian Bowl
Northern Illinois - Fresno State
4:30 p.m., Dec. 18, ESPN
Line: Northern Illinois by 1

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Troy - Ohio
8 p.m., Dec. 18, ESPN
Line: Troy by 1

Beef 'O' Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl
Louisville - Southern Miss
7 p.m., Dec. 21, ESPN
Line: Louisville by 3

MAACO Bowl
Utah - Boise State
7 p.m., Dec. 22, ESPN
Line: Boise State by 17
* Underdog worth six points

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Navy - San Diego State
7 p.m., Dec. 23, ESPN
Line: San Diego State by 5
* Underdog worth three points

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Tulsa - Hawaii
7 p.m., Dec. 24, ESPN
Line: Hawaii by 11
* Underdog worth four points

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl
Toledo - Florida International
7:30 p.m., Dec. 26, ESPN
Line: Toledo by 1

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Air Force - Georgia Tech
4 p.m., Dec. 27, ESPN
Line: Air Force by 2

Champs Sports Bowl
NC State - West Virginia
5:30 p.m., Dec. 28, ESPN
Line: West Virginia by 2

Insight Bowl
Iowa - Missouri
9 p.m., Dec. 28, ESPN
Line: Missouri by 1

Military Bowl
Maryland - East Carolina
1:30 p.m., Dec. 29, ESPN
Line: Maryland by 7
* Underdog worth three points

Texas Bowl
Illinois - Baylor
5 p.m., Dec. 29, ESPN
Line: Baylor by 1

Valero Alamo Bowl
Arizona - Oklahoma State
8 p.m., Dec. 29, ESPN
Line: Oklahoma State by 6
* Underdog worth three points

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
SMU - Army
11 a.m., Dec. 30, ESPN
Line: SMU by 8
* Underdog worth three points

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Syracuse - Kansas State
2:30 p.m., Dec. 30, ESPN
Line: Pick 'em

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
North Carolina - Tennessee
5:30 p.m., Dec. 30, ESPN
Line: North Carolina by 2

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl
Washington - Nebraska
9 p.m., Dec. 30, ESPN
Line: Nebraska by 13
* Underdog worth five points

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Clemson - South Florida
11 a.m., Dec. 31, ESPN
Line: Clemson by 4

Hyundai Sun Bowl
Miami - Notre Dame
1 p.m., Dec. 31, CBS
Line: Miami by 3

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Central Florida - Georgia
2:30 p.m., Dec. 31, ESPN
Line: Georgia by 6
* Underdog worth three points

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Florida State - South Carolina
6:30 p.m., Dec. 31, ESPN
Line: South Carolina by 3

TicketCity Bowl
Northwestern - Texas Tech
11 a.m., Jan. 1, ESPNU
Line: Texas Tech by 9
* Underdog worth four points

Outback Bowl
Penn State - Florida
Noon, Jan. 1, ABC
Line: Florida by 7
* Underdog worth three points

Capital One Bowl
Alabama - Michigan State
Noon, Jan. 1, ESPN
Line: Alabama by 10
* Underdog worth four points

Gator Bowl
Michigan - Mississippi State
12:30 p.m., Jan. 1, ESPN2
Line: Mississippi State by 5
* Underdog worth three points

The Rose Bowl Game
Wisconsin - TCU
4 p.m., Jan. 1, ESPN
Line: TCU by 2

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Oklahoma - Connecticut
7:30 p.m., Jan. 1, ESPN
Line: Oklahoma by 17
* Underdog worth six points

Discover Orange Bowl
Virginia Tech - Stanford
7 p.m., Jan. 3, ESPN
Line: Stanford by 3

Allstate Sugar Bowl
Arkansas - Ohio State
7:30 p.m., Jan. 4, ESPN
Line: Ohio State by 3

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Miami Ohio - Middle Tennessee
7 p.m., Jan. 6, ESPN
Line: Miami Ohio by 1

Division I FCS Championship Game
Select winner from semifinalists at top
6 p.m., Jan. 7, ESPN2
Sagarin says: To be determined

AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic
Texas A&M - LSU
7 p.m., Jan. 7, Fox
Line: LSU by 1

BBVA Compass Bowl
Pittsburgh - Kentucky
11 a.m., Jan. 8, ESPN
Line: Pittsburgh by 3

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Nevada - Boston College
8 p.m., Jan. 9, ESPN
Line: Nevada by 9
* Underdog worth four points

Tostitos BCS National Championship Game
Auburn - Oregon
7:30 p.m., Jan. 10, ESPN
Line: Auburn by 3
* Winner worth double points

For the Win!
****#****

Editorial on the Army-Navy game

Why doesn't CBS move this game to primetime? Look at Saturday evening's TV lineup — Frosty, Frosty Returns, Flight Before Christmas (Huh?) and 48 Hours Mystery. Are you telling me Army-Navy wouldn't draw better TV ratings? In an era of faux patriotism (no, we should not treat "God Bless America" with the same reverence as The National Anthem), we should honor the real patriots at our service academies by showcasing the Best Rivalry In College Sports on primetime TV. Sure, the Heisman ceremony is on that night, but who wants to watch ESPN milk an hour of coverage out of a 10-minute event? That said, set the DVR for the 30 for 30 on SMU's cheating in the 1980s. It might be as good as the episode on The U and the two Escobars (neither of which were Ramon).

-- Scott

Extra Credit Week

Some professors have been known to offer a chance to improve your grade between the end of the semester and the final exam. Here's yours.

One of the extra-credit questions could be: Would you rather have Malzahn, Mullen, or Petrino if you were Florida?

Another could be: Why would a coach who had a statistically improbable improvement from 7-5 to 13-0 not be voted SEC coach of the year unless the other coaches thought he cheated to get there?

But instead, to avoid being labeled as unpatriotic and anti-Auburn (some say that's the same thing), you get the below to pick. Easy, right?

The Army - Navy Game
1:30 p.m., Saturday, CBS
Line: Navy by 7
* Underdog worth three points

The Heisman Trophy
LaMichael James (Oregon)
Andrew Luck (Stanford)
Kellen Moore (Boise State)
Cam Newton (Auburn)
7 p.m., Saturday, ESPN

Good luck.
****#****

Following the Heisman presentation, stay tuned for Pony Excess!

Project Playoffs: End of season standings and seedings

Wouldn't this be a lot more fun than the bowls?

There would be no Fiesta Bowl featuring Oklahoma as a 17-point favorite over Big East "champion" Connecticut, no Boise State relegated to the MAACO Las Vegas Bowl as a 17-point favorite over Utah, and no bowls featuring 6-6 teams completely undeserving of playing in the postseason.

Instead, how about 16 teams getting a shot to play for the national championship -- on the field?

The Project Playoffs Foundation has taken the top 81 schools by football attendance and divided them into nine geographically correct conferences. Though it will never happen because the greedy college administrators don't want to part with their conference television money, this realignment plan is the most sensible solution and will fix what ails the greatest sport with the worst postseason.

Using the Massey Comparison Rankings, which take every poll and computer rating into account, below is a projection of how the standings would be in each of these realigned conferences as of Week 13 prior to the money grab that is better known as the conference championship games.

Each conference winner gets an automatic birth into the 16-team playoff, and the next best seven teams according to an all-encompassing rating system would also make the playoff. Then all 16 teams are seeded regardless of conference finish using the same all-encompassing rating system.

First-round match-ups:

16 West Virginia at 1 Oregon
15 South Carolina at 2 Auburn
14 Virginia Tech at 3 TCU
13 LSU at 4 Stanford
12 Oklahoma State at 5 Boise State
11 Alabama at 6 Oklahoma
10 Missouri at 7 Ohio State
9 Wisconsin at 8 Arkansas

Potential second-round match-ups:

8 Arkansas at 1 Oregon

7 Ohio State at 2 Auburn

6 Oklahoma at 3 TCU

5 Boise State at 4 Stanford

Click here for a full explanation of Project Playoffs.

Northwest
1 Oregon (12-0)
5 Boise State (11-1)
Utah (10-2)
Air Force (8-4)
Oregon State (5-7)
Washington (6-6)
Fresno State (8-4)
BYU (6-6)
Washington State (2-10)

Southern
2 Auburn (13-0)
11 Alabama (9-3)
13 LSU (10-2)
Mississippi State (8-4)
Southern Miss (8-4)
Tennessee (6-6)
Ole Miss (4-8)
Vanderbilt (2-10)
Memphis (1-11)

Mid-South
3 TCU (12-0)
6 Oklahoma (11-2)
8 Arkansas (10-2)
12 Oklahoma State (10-2)
Texas A&M (9-3)
Baylor (7-5)
Texas Tech (7-5)
Texas (5-7)
Houston (5-7)

West
4 Stanford (11-1)
Hawaii (10-3)
USC (8-5)
Arizona (7-5)
Arizona State (6-6)
California (5-7)
UCLA (4-8)
UTEP (6-6)
New Mexico (1-11)

Mid-North
7 Ohio State (11-1)
Michigan State (11-1)
Notre Dame (7-5)
Michigan (7-5)
Illinois (6-6)
Louisville (6-6)
Cincinnati (4-8)
Purdue (4-8)
Indiana (5-7)

Midwest
9 Wisconsin (11-1)
10 Missouri (10-2)
Nebraska (10-3)
Iowa (7-5)
Kansas State (7-5)
Colorado (5-7)
Iowa State (5-7)
Minnesota (3-9)
Kansas (3-9)

Atlantic
14 Virginia Tech (11-2)
North Carolina State (8-4)
Maryland (8-4)
North Carolina (7-5)
Kentucky (6-6)
East Carolina (6-6)
Virginia (4-8)
Duke (3-9)
Wake Forest (3-9)

Southeast
15 South Carolina (9-4)
Florida State (9-4)
Florida (7-5)
Miami (7-5)
Central Florida (10-3)
Georgia (6-6)
Clemson (6-6)
South Florida (7-5)
Georgia Tech (6-6)

Northeast
16 West Virginia (9-3)
Navy (8-3)
Pittsburgh (7-5)
Penn State (7-5)
Connecticut (8-4)
Boston College (7-5)
Syracuse (7-5)
Army (6-5)
Rutgers (4-8)

Newton ad idea

With all the Cam Newton controversy lately, he could do an insurance ad. So here it goes:
An insurance ad
Cam Newton, you jackwagon
Fifteen percent off.

SEC bylaw 14.01.3.2: Cam Newton should be ineligible

"If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career."