The 15 Best Mascots In America: A Highly Scientific Ranking

College hoops news has been slow so I've decided to offer my official ranking of the best and worst college mascots in America. There is only one rule for the ranking...No live animals. You can't really expect Purdue Pete or Michigan State's Sparty to compete with a live bengal tiger at LSU or the War Eagle at Auburn (possibly the sweetest tradition in all of collegiate athletics).

So if you're looking for legitimate, hard-hitting college hoops news, stop reading.

Here is the list, it took me entirely too long to complie, so you better enjoy it.

1.) The St. Joseph's Hawk: OK, there is no bias here. Even if I lived in Fargo, North Dakota, I’d still think The Hawk is the best mascot in America…and it’s really not that close. Let’s see; flaps his or her arms the entire game (an estimated 3,500 flaps per game) check. Student in costume gets a full ride, check. Is the only mascot in America that travels to every road game with the team, check.

If you don't believe me, you can believe Sports Illustrated, who named The Hawk the Best Mascot of the 20th Century. End of arguement.

Now lets look at the runnerups…

1A.) Dartmouth’s Keggy the Keg: It’s a dude dressed in a big keg…that’s splendid on so many different levels. Apparently the school doesn’t officially recognize good ol’ Keggy as their mascot and that’s too damn bad. Not only is Keggy filled with deliciousness, but he comes already tapped. Plus, he could pretty much be the mascot for any college in the country…no wonder he’s so happy.

"Cups are five bucks...unlimited Natty Light inside. Beer pong starts in five minutes."

2.) Ohio State’s Brutus the Buckeye: Brutus, seen here break-dance fighting in an alley with Michigan’s nonexistent mascot, is pretty damn awesome. I was once in a Columbus, Ohio bar with a friend and got into a heated argument with a local over who is the better mascot, The Hawk or Brutus. As the drinks flowed (we might have been drinking out of fish bowls), words were exchanged and the man soon enough decided that I deserved to be pummeled for my blasphemy. Luckily a few other patrons intervened and I went home in one piece, only after learning that the man I was arguing with was a former linebacker for the Buckeyes. That story alone gets Brutus the nod for the No. 2 spot.

3.) Montana's Monte: Any motorcycle-riding bear donning a bandana and a leather jacket is OK with me. Monte is the epitome of cool and the essence of bad ass…Girls want him, guys want to be him. Also, it’s my understanding that Monte’s skills on a hog were the inspiration for Steve McQueen’s classic motorcycle scene in The Great Escape. Look it up, it’s true.

"Lord have mercy! Is that what that is? "
If you don't get the reference, you suck.

4.) Wisconsin’s Bucky: Just look at the picture. Although I’m not a fan of turtlenecks, I am a huge fan of not wearing pants, and so is Bucky. It’s been rumored that the pantless Bucky prowls the streets of Madison with reckless abandon, often going from sorority house to sorority without shame. When he’s not sculpting his guns by doing pushups in front of 80,000 people, this Mascot Hall of Fame member is the biggest pimp in Madison, Wisconsin…which is kind of like being the coolest kid in a microeconomics class at MIT.

4.) Western Kentucky’s Big Red: I don’t know what the hell this thing is and I don't know why he's vactioning on the French Riviera in this picture, but I do know that he's fantastic. I’m pretty sure Big Red was created when Jim Henson went on a Hunter S. Thompson-esque bender and started developing sub par muppets to join Kermit. As it turns out, Big Red slept with Dr. Teeth’s wife and was excommunicated by his fellow muppets. Not long after, Western Kentucky swooped in a grabbed him because hey, what the hell is a Hilltopper anyway?
There is another rumor claiming Big Red is actually the love-child of Grimace and Clifford The Big Red Dog…believe what you will.

6.) Florida State’s Seminole: The real reason the NCAA changed their mind and decided FSU could remain as the Seminoles is due to the fact that the Seminole is flat-out Bad Ass. I’m a guy who enjoys horses running on football fields, therefore, this selection came down the USC Trojan and the Seminole. But I had to go with my heritage on this one -- 1/3rd Irish, 1/3rd Seminole Indian and 1/3rd sexy beast -- and FSU is the clear-cut winner.

7.) Delaware’s YouDee: I’ve been to few games at the Carpenter Center at Delaware and have always enjoyed YouDee. The blue hen is the state bird of Delaware and YouDee clearly enjoys the status and privilege that comes with such a title. He patrols the sidelines with a quiet confidence and a subtle swagger. The business-like attitude clearly suits his oversized sneakers and enormous beak.

8.) Auburn’s Aubie the Tiger: Aubie is cooler than a van carrying Jack Bauer, William Wallace, Chuck Norris and Clubber Lang. Yeah, he’s that cool. The only dude to appear in as many television commercials as Aubie is Payton Manning (who is currently starring in 713 TV ads) and no other mascot has won as many National Mascot Championship awards as the lovable Aubie. He should probably be higher on the list due to his lack of pants.

9.) Tennessee’s Smokey: Although he usually wears a Tennessee jersey for most games, any mascot with a massive head wearing a bright orange tuxedo kicks ass in my book. Frankly, Smokey makes McGruff the Crime Dog look like McLame the Dumb Ass. In addition, Smokey gets the nod because I think “Rocky Top” is the most underrated fight song in the country…not sure how that affects a mascot ranking, but it does.

10.) Oklahoma State’s Pistol Pete: Although I wanted to stab Pistol Pete in the face when I was in East Rutherford for the 2005 Elite Eight, I’ve got to admit that he’s pretty impressive. OSU seems to have purposely made Pete appear as drunk as humanly possible and then decided to arm him with a couple of firearms and a bucket hat…these are all excellent decisions. Also, I find mustaches to be quite endearing and Pete has beautiful Jack Daniels-drenched ‘stach.

11.) California Santa Barbara’s Fantom of the Dome: Essentially, the Fantom of the Dome is a moron dressed in a black cape, a Zorro mask, gloves, jean shorts and a UCSB jersey, who runs around creating havoc…I dig this. The only downside is that the Fantom is most likely jobless. I have come to this conclusion because men with jobs don’t wear jean shorts, otherwise known as "jorts." Nevertheless, this is a random, relatively asinine mascot and I’m and fully supportive of both attributes.

12.) Cal’s Oski the Bear: Yes, the smile is entirely too big and he could stand to drop a couple of pounds, but Oski has two things going for him. One, the old school sweater is outstanding and I want one. Two – get ready for this – according to Wikipedia (otherwise known as The Bible for slackers), Oski drinks beer through a hole in his right eye. When you look at Oski, he looks like a wholesome, fun loving character…in actuallity, he’s drunker than Paul Newman in the opening scene of Cool Hand Luke and won’t remember one minute of the game he’s attending.

13.) Kansas State’s Willie the Wildcat: As I’ve said before, any mascot that solely consists of a giant head is fantastic. Willie, seen here with Nancy Reagan (probably), fits this qualification to a T. He’s suited up and ready to jump in the game at any moment and is 10-times cooler than Northwestern’s dreadful version of Willie the Wildcat. The identity of the student who dons the Willie costume is kept secret because if it were public, that student would be the most important person in the state of Kansas…but that’s not saying much (sorry Bill Self).

14.) Grand Rapids Community College’s Raider: The winner of the small school division of the contest, GRCC’s Raider ranks with the big boys. It seems that Indiana Jones replaced his charming sidekick Chen (“Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for lovin. We’ve got company!”) with a raccoon. I know what you’re thinking…What the hell does he have in that satchel/man purse??? Well, I’m going to tell you. He’s carrying the souls of every of school in Region IV of the National Junior College Athletic Association.

Go Raiders! Beat Waubonsee Community College!

15.) The Old Penn Quaker: The inspiration for my decision to compile this list. I mentioned in a post on Thursday that Penn needs to switch back to the old Quaker immediately…he’s so great that being defunct can’t keep him off this list. Just look at him for Christ’s sake…he’s f'n gorgeous. A little known fact is that the head of the costume is an actual scale model of Benjamin Franklin’s head. The man was built like a God damn Mardi Gras float.

Penn already has the best gym in the country, it’s time they bring back the 15th best mascot.