TSIB SEC Coaches Interviews

(TSIB - Third Saturday In Blogtober)

August 23rd, 2007

We here at TSIB feel very proud and privileged this year to have a chance to sit down with every Southeastern Conference coach this close to the season. Our panel of experts is here and has concocted several questions to ask you gentlemen tonight. We thank you so much for taking a few minutes out of your hectic schedules to help a new blog along in our first few weeks.

Steve Spurrier interrupts: “Well, ya got me off the course, there. Better be good.”

A-hem. Thank you, Steve. For those of you who don’t know the drill, we will ask a question and every one of you will answer. We will go in alphabetical order by school name unless otherwise compelled to ask a follow-up. After Mr. Saban answers the first question, he will go to the end of the line afterward. By conducting this forum, we at TSIB hope to learn a little more about your teams.

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QUESTION 1

TSIB: What can your fans expect from your teams this season?

Nick Saban: “The first thing to expect from our young men is to begin the journey in the context of the moment. The key is to not get wrapped up in the end result. The process of getting there is how you eventually get there. Whether it be the weightroom, the practice field, the classroom, or wherever, the object is for our young men to grow not only as football players but as human beings. We at Alabama not only expect this, but we demand this. Nick Saban will personally kill ever—

TSIB: OK, Mr. Saban, we’d love to listen to you all day. But we don’t have a lot of time. Let’s continue.

Houston Nutt: “Sure, we’re excited about Darren McFadden and Felix Jones, but, honestly, son, we just hope that we don’t kill each other before the season is over. Lemme take this opportunity to tell our wonderful fans in Arkansas that firearms are not permitted in Razorback Stadium.”

Tommy Tuberville: “Well, Brandon Cox is a senior. He’s a leader. And, he obviously has female organs. But anytime you have that much experience from the quarterback position, you should have a good season.”

Mark Richt: “Despite allowing 51 points to Tennessee at home last year, having a quarterback with a near two-to-one interception-to-touchdown ratio and losing to Florida again, a lot of pundits are still picking us to win the league. I’m so thankful to the Lord for idiot media members.”

Urban Meyer: “You should expect a lot of Tim Tebow, a lot of Percy Harvin and a lot of blue jean shorts. We’re confident, and we’re dominant. Who cares that we have nine new defensive starters. I work miracles.”

Rich Brooks: “Expect me to die on the sideline if LSU completes another game-ending Hail Mary in Lexington.”

Les Miles: “I’ll tell you one (expletive) thing. We’re going to kick a whole lot of (expletive) this (expletive) year. With the (expletive) defense we have this year, even I can’t (expletive) up this season.”

Ed Orgeron: “(inaudible) Dadgum Schaeffa, and, um, gotta Chris Stronga eljble ona defense, so a (inaudible) yaw, um, fo wins maybe. Lucky, five. WILD BOYZ!”

Sylvester Croom: “Expect me to play LSU and a couple others tough but lose my job. But we’ll be leaving Starkville better’n we found it. I ain’t castrated no bulls.”

Steve Spurrier: “Well, won’t be doin’ a lot of pitchin’ and catchin’, but we should be doin’ a lot of hittin’. I’m tellin’ ya, if I can keep Mrs. Jerri out of recruitin’ and my quarterbacks out of bars, we could have a fightin’ chance.”

Phillip Fulmer: “Obviously, we’re pleased with our football team. The kids have worked like heck to get better this offseason, and we’re working like heck to do better than 9-4 this season. We’ve stayed relatively within the law since last year, and once we get our kids out of the rehab clinics, I’ll like our chances.”

Bobby Johnson: “We’ll be the cleanest-mouth, best-educated losers in the country, but I think we’ll be competitive again this year.”

QUESTION 2

TSIB: What individual do you see having an impact for you this year?

Saban: “First off, young man, if you ever interrupt Nick Saban again, Nick Saban will personally break into the Bear Bryant museum, steal a houndstooth hat and implant it in your (expletive), is that clear?”

“Now, Nick Saban has a tongue-lashing to give Major for screwing around and getting a verbal from a three-star last week, so let’s make the rest of this interview quick. We don’t accept three-stars at Nick Saban’s institution.”

TSIB: “Um, Mr. Nutt, you answer first this time.”

Nutt: “Let me finish this text … (reading to himself:UR B34UT1FUL SM1L3, XOXOXO and SEND). OK, yes. Impact player. I’d say, McFadden, of course.”

Tuberville: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHAT IS THAT NOISE? Is that another dog whistle? Lord, those folks in Opelika have no regard for people with big ears with their dog whistles.”

TSIB: “Mr. Tuberville, are you OK?”

Tuberville: “No, son, I’m not OK. Ever since Saban came to Tuscaloosa, I can hear myself sweating.

But to answer your question, I’d say Quentin Groves will be difficult to stop. And our supplements crew – er – strength and conditioning personnel have Tray Blackmon looking like a monster.”

Richt: “If we can keep Matthew Stafford away from Talladega, he could have a huge year.”

Meyer: “I’ll try to put my man crush on Timmy aside here and say myself. I think, even though I don’t play, I’m a beautiful man, and if anybody can get the most out of these kids, it would be me.”

Brooks: “Andre Woodson single-handedly keeps my fragile heart beating.”

Miles: “Three words: Glen (expletive) Dorsey.”

TSIB: “Mr. Miles, please. It doesn’t make you a bigger man to use profanities. And, please, pull your hat down for once.”

Orgeron: “Well, um, fo sho at (inaudible) Jel Powe if eljble, yaw, yaw an’ um, Green-Elliz on a ground, yaw. Fo sho.”

Croom: “Our entire defense has done nothin’ but work their butts off during the offseason. We’ve kept them out of the one fast food joint and gas station in Starkville and on the football field.”

Spurrier: “Wouldya want to meet ol’ Jasper and Casper in a dark alley? Didn’t think so.”

Fulmer: “Obviously, we’re trying to get my belly eligible, but the Clearinghouse won’t budge. If that doesn’t happen, I’ll go with Jerod Mayo having a huge season.”

Johnson: “Earl Bennett. How does a kid like that get out of the state of Alabama and end up with me AT VANDERBILT??! Heck, I’ve been trying to get out since I came.”

Saban: (Staring down Tuberville) “You just pissed your pants, didn’t you, Tommy?”

Tuberville: (Shudders)

Saban: (Chuckling) “I’ll agree with Urb. Nobody will make an impact on Alabama like Nick Saban.”

QUESTION 3

TSIB: (Sigh) This is taking longer than I thought. OK, third question. Even the national media is tagging the conference as being the strongest, like it isn’t every season. Why do you believe we’re finally getting some love?”

Tuberville: “Lemme change my pants. I know I’m holding up the interview … there.

I’d say it’s about friggin’ time we got some respect. It sure would’ve been nice when Auburn was relevant two years ago.”

Richt: “Well, I believe it’s a combination of things. First of all, I believe the Lord has blessed the SEC, in part because of my cameo in Facing the Giants. Good things happen to good people, and the SEC is home to a lot of us. Even if we do have Les, Phillip, Rodney Garner and Darth Visor over there.”

“Secondly, I just believe the caliber of athlete that we’re able to recruit on a year-in, year-out basis makes everyone in the country stand up and take notice.”

Meyer: “Quite obviously, it’s because of the National Buckeye Molesting display our proud university administered last January.”

Brooks: “Heck, you know it’s a banner year for the conference when Kentucky has three potential high-end draft picks.”

Miles: “You listen here Snoop (expletive) Dog. You think you can (expletive, expletive, expletive) out LSU on (expletive) national radio and cause a (expletive) storm, do you? I just want to stick my white sneaker so far up your …”

TSIB: “Mr. Miles, you are done with this interview. Somebody please escort Mr. Miles out of the building. Thanks.”

Orgeron: “Cauza recruitin’ on da yaw be goin’ on here. Recruit to Missippi wid da Curnel Reb, we can recruit anywhea. Take yaw shirt offen, a twist it round yo head lika helacopta.”

Croom: “I think we have at least nine fine universities in this league, and I’ve submitted a resume to all nine of them.”

Spurrier: “Obvious. It’s coachin’. Just got a coach ‘em up. We got me, ol’ Nicky, Ears, Golden Boy down at Georgia, Herban’s trying to step out of my shadda down there in Gainesvul. Even got ol’ Flabby over there. Even he’s gotta championship.”

Fulmer: “Obviously, we’ll have to look at the film and evaluate ourselves somewhat, and we’ll have to work like heck to keep up the national exposure.”

TSIB: “Huh?”

Johnson: “We’ve beaten Tennessee and Georgia in the past two years. And we’re historically the worst in the league. We don’t even have an athletic program. Would you want to play in this conference? We’re trying to join the SoCon.”

Saban: “Nick Saban is the reason. We try to develop a culture to be a very demanding group of coaches, motivators, teachers. It’s not uncommon for Nick Saban to give the custodian a verbal undressing if he halfway cleans the urinals in the locker rooms. When you want to be perfect and you strive to be perfect, it’s essential that you are perfect in everything that you do. The other day, Nick Saban followed John Parker to the bathroom, and he missed a button on his pants after taking a dump. Nick Saban made him pull his pants down and start over from scratch. It’s the way Nick Saban rolls. That’s how we win national championships.”

TSIB: “Oh, for cryin’ out loud.”

Nutt: “Well, it’s certainly not because of old geysers like Frank Broyles.”

QUESTION 4

TSIB: Well, we’re running out of time, so I think we have time for two more questions.

First, to have this much talent in the league, you have to have fantastic recruiting schemes. To what do you attribute your recruiting successes?

Richt: “Well, son, you have to recruit the mommas. What good Southern Christian momma worth her scripture wouldn’t want her little boy playing for a moral man like myself. I learned from Diddy. Oh, and Rodney Garner helps. And the butt-cut. Chicks dig the butt-cut.”

Meyer: “I just have all of the players who are already here run the 40-yard dash for the new recruits, and then we go to our marijuana farm in Ocala. Works every time.”

Brooks: “I just tell most of the kiddies that I was around when they finished up the New Testament. They like experience, I guess.”

Orgeron: “Yaw, yaw go to da grove and um wid da girls in da tanky tops. WILD BOYZ! Den I um, do da benchpress. Gotta kept buildin’ wall ’round Mempha, nearly done. Er, um, offa scholahship ta ever 17-year-old in cone-try.”

Croom: “We take them to a barn party.”

Spurrier: “Wellsur, I just tell ‘em if we can pitch it a little, catch it a little and whip a little tookus on the defensive side over there, we can maybe win a game. Cain’t sell tradition if you ain’t got tradition.”

Fulmer: “We have a long, illustrious heritage of cheating without getting caught. Obviously, that’s a bonus. Also, from a facilities standpoint, we’re second-to-none. Plus, I know all the good buffets in town. Chiefly, though, they know they can get away with pretty much anything here.”

Johnson: “World-class education. So, I get all the smart ones … if they’re smart.”

Saban: “Nick Saban will personally pistol-whip any assistant who isn’t pulling his weight in four- and five-star commitments. Our culture has been built on a survival of the fittest concept, and if you aren’t recruiting or working tirelessly on formations for at least 23 hours and 44 minutes out of every day, you cannot work for Nick Saban.”

Houston Nutt: “Pretty much, we try to lock down state borders. Many who live in Arkansas don’t know how to function outside of the state boundaries. We try to sell that.”

Tuberville: “I miss Mike Shula.”

QUESTION 5

TSIB: Again, guys, thanks so much for your time. We have room for one more question, I believe. What are your goals, in less than 10 words, for this season?

Meyer: “Repeat, baby. But, more importantly, score 40 points per game.”

Brooks: “Don’t die.”

Orgeron: “Um, keep a jawb an’ speak Engish.”

Croom: “Reconnect with my NFL sources.”

Spurrier: “Shave my handicap a couple strokes.”

Fulmer: “See my feet.”

Johnson: “Have a winning season.”

Saban: “Attain worldwide domination. Continue talking without saying anything.”

Tuberville: “Get an in-state recruit. Enjoy my last hoorah.”

Nutt: “Buy stock in Wal-Mart and get an unlisted number.”

Richt: “Give up less than 50 to Tennessee.”

TSIB: Thanks again, guys.