Robert Shields
In light of the latest hostess intrigue surrounding Auburn as chronicled by the gossip sheet Sports by Brooks, the topic of marketing colleges through the use of hot females comes to mind. What group supports its school the best? Is it the band, rich boosters who like to play athletic director, or the hostesses that lure impressionable high-school kids? I say it is your spirit squads, or as it was known back in my day, cheerleaders.
During the summer, I am notorious for filling my column with an occasional list as do the airwaves for call-in radio shows and lame cable channels. I may forgo this season doing my annual ranking of the best football coaches in the SEC before the football season starts because this list probably has more of a bearing on recruiting and thus ultimately winning.
This week you get my first-ever ranking of who has the best cheerleading group. But I’m going national. No doubt just like in most sports the SEC is in a league of its own, but it’s criminal to leave out other parts of the country who have just as much to contribute. And forevermore it goes without saying Texas A&M has the worst cheerleaders, and the sad point is that it’s done on purpose with malice. It’s sickening. On the other hand, it may be hard for any current cheerleading group to top UALR’s team of very-tight-spandex-wearing cheerleaders of the ‘90s. And they called them “Trojans in Motion.”
Sure this list is subjective, but so is gymnastics. Also be noted, it’s more difficult to move up the list if I saw men participating on the squad. It’s the same reason A&M is the worst. Here is my Top 10 list of cheerleaders based on keen observations of last year’s performances (and as usual my list runs in reverse order). So in the immortal words of Kirstin Dunst, Bring It:
10) Clemson – I have to put at least one school from the ACC on the list because that conference is the next best thing behind the glory of the SEC schools. And if I had to pick one school to represent the conference, it’s Clemson with North Carolina as the runner-up. I like the fact one spirit group is called the Rally Cats. For fans of the Big Ten and Big East, all I can say is that I’m sorry.
9) Auburn – I will keep my opinion of their football team to myself. It should not reflect on their cheerleaders, though. And if Auburn is paying their cheerleaders like their hostesses, they are getting their money’s worth. The uniforms are not the best, but the girls are cute. Plus give them their due for getting their fans into their lame routines. It’s not easy getting such a zealous fan base into sync and these girls do it.
8) Texas – Everything in Texas is bigger, so the Longhorns keep two cheer teams with the Orange squad and the White squad. Just one man’s opinion, but the White squad this past year was superior. This group would be ranked higher but to overcome those uniforms is difficult. The only solution I see is to make them wear the chaps full time. The annoying hook ‘em horns thing is just too much. It’s just criminal the outfits that they make them wear. Again, they also get deductions for keeping guys on the squad. Did I mention when they come out in the chaps it makes up for all of that?
7) Ole Miss – They always take a hit because their school is never really any good and they have dudes on the cheerleader squad, but year in year out they have some pretty girls. The fact that for years they had to hang around the strange-looking Johnny Reb mascot is a testament to overcoming adversity. The best of the Mississippi girls congregate at Oxford and traditionally they are a good looking bunch. Just take a walk through the Grove if you don’t believe me.
6) Arkansas – I often feel very sorry for the Razorback cheerleaders. They have very little to work with these days. They have a band that languishes behind other schools in originality and content. The pep band is often a shadow of its former self from decades ago under Jim Robken. Similarly, the Razorback cheerleaders also are given little original material. I’m a traditionalist and love all the old cheers, but we desperately need something new and that never happens at Fayetteville. Yet with all that holding them back, including males on the team, they never fail in helping get the crowd into the game no matter how hard and loud the advertising on the big screen works against them to get the crowd’s attention. So I give them an A for effort. I doubt any group has to work harder against its own home backdrop to get the fans involved. Would like to see the spandex come out more than once a year for the Christmas elves performance, though.
5) UCLA – They may be the ugly step sisters to the USC cheerleaders, but they consistently rate higher than just about everywhere else. They epitomize the look of California Girls and the baby blue and gold make for cute uniforms. The competition to make this team is as tough as anywhere in the country. But unfortunately because of their sports teams, they are not seen much on television.
4) Kentucky – OK, it’s not fair to leave them off just because they don’t play football. Nor is it fair that this is one of only two schools in the SEC in which cheerleaders are forced to attend men’s soccer. It’s not the girls’ fault. When Ashley Judd shows up at basketball games wearing that tight T-shirt with “Kentucky” across the frontal area, that is enough for me. As far as competitor they are at the top with Central Florida, but this is not a competition.
3) Georgia – They land at number three on my Top 10 list because they finished third in the NCA Collegiate National Championship. Please do not ask how I even know this. Plus, I like their white outfits with the black arms and black G. Also, if you know much about cheering, you know in the state of Georgia it can get pretty crazy. They get another bump in the standing for the number of fun photos on the Internet Georgia girls seem to be involved, but I get it. I like fun too.
2) The USC Song Girls – I’m a traditionalist, and I love that USC sticks with the old-school pleated skirt and long-sleeve sweater with red shoes. They have other more provocative outfits, but they don’t forget their roots. This squad is as pretty a group of people as you will find. As Beano Cook once said, “It’s unfair that the USC Song Girls only appear at USC games. They are a national treasure. They should visit other teams across the country.” The pageantry that they bring to the game is unmatched. When they came to Fayetteville, they never stopped moving the entire game (can’t say the same about Arkansas’ offense that day). At the same time, it’s the one squad that can literally just stand there doing nothing and still get everyone’s attention.
1) Oregon – If there was any debate last year, it ended in the national championship game. This cheer group followed its football team’s rise to the top. The contrast between the Auburn cheerleaders and the Oregon cheerleaders in that championship game was stark. The television coverage seemed to understand that fact quickly, yet at times I think they were also afraid to show them and distract the audience from the game. Their outfits were revolutionary for major college football on that grand of a stage. The outfits took it almost up to the point of lewd, but kept it in the realm of sporty (this is the last fashion comment you will ever hear from me).
A Fox Sports web feature recently claimed that the body temperature of an Oregon cheerleader is 186 degrees, more than double that of the average person. Not sure if that is true, but I don’t see how any Ducks fans ever watch a moment of the actual game. Maybe the football team has to change uniforms every game to draw some of the attention away from the cheerleaders.
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